Today I took Alex to a tumbling class to try it out before we signed up. He freaked and refused to go in, even with me going in with him. He did the same thing when we started swimming lessons last summer. He talks all excitedly about everything he is going to show his teacher and all the cool things he wants to learn and then when he gets there and sees the teacher and it is time to go in to the class . . . he just freezes up and won't go. He actually yelled loudly over and over again today, NO NO NO and then hit me and kicked me . . . and I wasn't even trying to force anything. We were just walking over to the door together and the teacher was smiling at him and saying, "Come on in Alex. We are so excited to have you here!!" At least I know if a stranger ever tried to take him somewhere he would put up a fight. :)
Am I really that cool of a mom that he would pass up these fun things to sit by my side and hold my hand and just watch . . . bored? I don't think so.
Anyone know how to help a kid get over this fear he has of new teachers in new places? He goes to nursery every Sunday without a fight and loves it! He didn't at first, but has been for well over a year now. He also loves to go right up to other kids at the park or library and make new friends. Why doesn't he like the idea of a teacher?
My worry is that he is starting preschool next fall and . . . um . . . I am NOT staying with him at preschool. I also don't want him to be scared and hate school because I force him to go.
Help. I am so lost.
11 comments:
I'm not even going to pretend like I know anything about this...but I DO know that Justin is really similar. He cried and cried his first day of preschool, screamed his first 6 months of nursery, (and when he was Alex's age) cried everytime I left him with another adult alone. So here are just my thoughts and some things that worked for us...
I think that kids obviously like what is comfortable for them and we like to make them comfortable. BUT, sometimes mommy is smarter than child (not always!! wink) but I like to think that I usually know what's best for my boys and if it's something new that I know he'll like if he just gives it a chance, you have to just leave them and let them cry for a bit. Now, if you don't think he's ready then don't do it, but I even had to leave Justin on his first day of Preschool BAWLING and reaching for me and screaming (he was the ONLY one doing this) and so I gave him a hug, told him I would see him after preschool and that I loved him and just walked out the door....SO HARD! But the teacher told me later that it lasted a whole 3-5 min. and he was in to what they were doing and fine till the end. When I left him with another new adult (or even one he knew) when he was 3, he'd cry and cry while I was leaving and it was so hard, but I just left and whoever was watching him said he stopped after like 2 min and was fine. Some time (whenever YOU think they are ready) you just have to do it I guess. At least that's what I had to do. I'm pretty sure they're not getting emotional damage from it!
--GOOD LUCK!
Annoying, huh? Warren had been doing fin in preschool when one week he cried and cried. Bleck. I told him I'd go in with him but he had to sit with his class on the rug and I'd sit in a chair in the back. Then after a few minutes he seemed fine and I snuck out.
He does better when I prep the heck out of him. We're going to class, and does mama stay with you? No, because you're so brave and you're a big boy and you don't need mama there. But mama will come back for you soon, and bla bla.
Ask his teacher if she minds you leaving him crying and tell her you'll hang around if he doesn't calm down. But I think ditching him is the best answer. Not the easiest one, though. Sorry, man. This stinks.
Heidi, I had this talk with Alexa's Preschool teacher at the beginning of this year. She said it happens all the time and the best thing to do is to let the teacher handle it and keep the goodbyes quick! Like Sheila said, the cries never last. Most often they do it b/c they know it will keep Mommy there longer!! (master manipulators!) You have to just make it a routine and start somewhere. I would actually talk to the teachers of his tumbling class (hopefully there is more than one) and see if one of them can be there to take him when you come in, kiss him goodbye, and just leave. Don't feel bad! He'll be fine. He's not being tortured. It's good for him to learn to be independent now! Preschool is not too far away.
Also, preschool teachers deal with this all the time too so no worries. I think it's better to be quick then prolong the goodbyes. Alexa's teacher wants all of us to sign them in, give a kiss and walk out the door and let the kids do it all themselves. They eventually learn the routine and will grow and completely surprise you one day! YOU CAN DO IT! BE TOUGH!!
P.S. I should have noted that I have NO problem whatsoever letting him cry and having the teacher tear him from my arms while he is screaming. :) Seriously, we did that for Nursery at first and we did that for swimming lessons this last summer. But, this place didn't seem to have that option. I will be brave and ask them if they "do that."
I think Eli's is going through another separation anxiety thing. But at the same time I am starting to introduce him to new things, that he's not really good at yet and feels like he has to perform perfectly on the spot. Pre-school for us has been pretty rough. Though they are rough there are a few things we HAVE to do to get him ready. First we have to walk him though expectations. I don't mean we expect you not to hit kids and stuff. I mean he needs to know what to expect. He may not know what is going on, and usually has never been in a situation like this. He gets performance anxiety and melts down. I need to give him as much information as possible without overwhelming him. I also HAVE to include that it is ok to mess up, and what to do when he needs help - who is his teacher, etc. I remind him several times because he usually forgets or his emotions all other thoughts in his head.
Another thing we do is make expectation books. I usually do really simple drawings of him in the situation. It plays out the major parts of the scenario. For example when baby brother came home it had what would be going on and what his role was in the situation. That is key. He needs to feel in control of something. He needs to know his role.
Next I make sure he is well rested and fed, and if not I have back up food options.
Last, before we enter a new situation and before we even leave the house I hold him close and tell him how much I love him, we say a prayer, and I also tell him a lot about what he is good at (and interested in that is good), we talk a little about what he is still working on (in our case I usually talk about how he is trying to talk or even how I am trying to be a good mom, but sometimes I mess up and it is ok because we are just learning, etc.), and I express my confidence in him and the approaching task or event. Then I reassure him that it or some part of it will be so much fun, or give him some satisfaction in some way.
This is what has been working lately for me. Maybe this is all common parenting. We still have rough spots, but lately as long as he knows who he is and what he's doing, he can make it though the day. And if all else fails, they can cry for a day and realize somewhere in the middle of it that they are still alive and ok.
Oh, one more thing that helps us is if I have a picture of him in the situation preferably doing something (and having fun) and print it off and post it in a common location in the house where he can see it several times a day. When he looks at it, I point out from the picture why it was fun or talk about what he was doing there (that was fun). It is our way of processing things. We are very visual processors here :)
I really know nothing about this and am dreading when harrison starts to really want me to stay with him (maybe he'll just be cool, right???) but I just wanted to tell you that you are a great mom and whatever you do Alex will be fine and love you and get over whatever short term trauma there is. Also, I remember that one time I was watching him and he cried when you left and it was literally a minute before he was fine because I distracted him with something else. And any place that deals with pre-school aged children is probably experienced with this sort of thing. Maybe just give them a call before you go next time with a heads up that he may be hesitant to join the class and needs a little bit of extra help to feel comfortable. He just needs to get over the initial hurdle of lacking confidence in trying something new. I think it's normal to get a little scared of new situations with new people even if you are excited and know it is something you want to do. I could be going to hang out with people I like or to a party or something and still get nervous beforehand if it's an unfamiliar situation...and I'm 28....
Oh Heidi, you know that I can relate. Hallie was the super shy child in Iowa. People would come to our house and say, "wow, I didn't know Hallie knew how to talk so much". Good luck! You are a great mom, I know that you will know what the best thing to do is. For me, as hard as it was sometimes, I just kept forcing myself to put Hallie in situations like this. Not to the point where she would be scarred ya know, but so that she would learn that she was going to have to get over that little fear. I also think it's the age thing. Seriously, if you saw Hallie now, you would be shocked. She's doing alot better. So give it time. And I agree with the other comments. It's like a bandade. Just rip it off quick. When I taught Kindergarten, the best way was to just make the goodbye quick, make sure they knew you would be back and leave. A couple times of that, and most were fine. Good luck! He is so darn cute. P.S. If I was Alex, I would think you were pretty darn cool too :).
I don't have any advice but I think you have adorable kids and that you are a great mom. =)
First of all I'm sure it's a phase! Secondly you have to walk the fine line of if he's genuinely concerned and scared or manipulating the situation to get you to stay. I would never leave Evan screaming anywhere! I've always been the cautious parent who stays for as many classes as it takes for Evan to feel comfortable. If you traumatize them it just backfires the next time. That's my theory anyway :) Evan is a little more cautious and shy though. What kind of gymnastics place is this??? I always go in with Evan into his class. Evan starts preschool next week and I am definitely nervous because he's never been left alone but I already told the teacher that I'm staying for as many classes as it takes for him to feel comfortable :) I want my kid to feel confident not scared! That's my mottoe! I don't participate, I just sit in the back and watch and make sure he's listening, he has to know that the teacher is in charge, not me. I bet Alex is just kind of picking up on the fact that he's getting bigger and this kind of stuff is about to happen a lot, so he's grasping at holding on to his younger years! Kids have a sixth sense about that stuff. Good Luck!
So are you saying Sunbeams is gonna go great this week? ;) Sorry, I have no clue, I can't even figure out my own kid! Good luck!
I haven't read the above comments, but they look pretty lengthy and I'm sure have better things to "advise" than I could...so in fact, my comment is unrelated.
But I just wanted to quickly say that I love keeping up with your family and that one of your statements in a post further down about motherhood meant a lot to me:
"This hard thing was my choice, and I don't regret it."
That may well become my mantra to help me when I get discouraged!
Thanks and Happy New Year!
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